This is a short story I wrote involving Chuck Norris, Rudolph, Einstein, hobos, and a guy who has a tendency of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enjoy!
UTOPIA
This story starts out at a carnival in Florida. It was not a usual carnival; it was a hobo only carnival. I did not know this until security hobos found out I was not their type. Long story short, I ended up hiding in a cannon. The only flaw to this plan was the cannon was lit and I was shot into the sky. It must have been a powerful cannon because when I fell, I fell on an island nobody knew even existed.
When I landed on the island I crashed through a glass roof. I was not conscious at the time and don't know where exactly I landed. I woke up on a smooth black platform the size of a football field. All around the platform was the layout of a small city. Streets and factories were everywhere. There weren't any cars on the streets, everyone was walking. There was a huge neon banner that read:
WELCOME TO UTOPIA.
As I sat dazed on the platform I saw a man in a red suit walking toward me. It took him a while because instead of walking straight toward me he walked in zig-zags and about fifteen minutes later he stood in front of me. He told me in a very surprising Darth Vader voice that I was being held captive in Utopia Island Prison on violation of airspace charges until the president of Utopia could find out what to do with me. He left in the same zig-zag pattern as before. I stood up very confused and a little nauseous. A million questions flooded my mind, I wanted to explore the island and find another cannon to Florida.
I started walking but after a couple steps I fell backwards. Not because I slipped, but because I ran into a wall. I sat there for a moment and pondered what had just happened and what to do next. I carefully stood up and leaned forward with my hands in front of me until I felt the wall. I quickly pulled back because the wall was ice cold. I tried to recall the the zig-zag pattern that the man took. I tried to follow it but about half an hour later I was bruised and laying eagle spread on my face. Running through the walls didn't work like I hoped it would. Slowly I sat up. I noticed a figure with a cowboy hat and a beard walking toward me. Once he was on the platform he didn't use the zig-zag route the man before used. He can walk through invisible walls when I can't even run through one. He just kept walking straight toward me.
He looked familiar but I just couldn't place him. He came up to me and said in a hushed tone, "No questions just get up and put your hand on my shoulder, and whatever you do don't let go until we get onto the street.” Without a second thought I stood up, put my hand on his shoulder. We walked straight toward the street. I felt a surge of cold energy run through me every time I passed through where I know a wall must have been. Soon we were off the platform, the man turned around and immediately I knew who he was. He was the one and only Chuck Norris. Before I could even speak up to ask for his autograph he said, "What is your name since you already know mine?"
"How did you know-?"
"First of all, I'm Chuck Norris, everyone knows who I am. Secondly, I can read minds. Now what is your name?"
"My name is-"
"Just kidding! Remember, I can read minds. Let's go Max, the president of this island is sending his goons after us as we speak."
Before I could ask any questions he marched off carrying what looked like a rocket launcher that had the NERF logo on the side. I caught up to him and tried to keep pace as I walked beside him. He gave me a sideways glance and said "Don't look back but there is a dude holding a Starbucks coffee that is following us. There is a glass elevator at the end of the street so try not to run into it". I thought I heard him chuckle. "Which reminds me", he went on. "The invisible thing you couldn't get out of was a glass mansion. It's not the kind of glass you make windows or snow globes out of. It's the finest glass in the world; the glass elevator is made out of the same thing. A lady used to live there a couple years ago but tragically an Elvis impersonator fell from the sky at 140 miles per hour and landed on her right as she was about to install blinds".
I was shocked "Did I do that, was I out for that long?” I asked in disbelief.
Chuck Norris just laughed, "Of course not, so many people have fallen through that house in the last couple years that they decided to make a prison since none of those people could ever get out".
I blinked. Why am I even surprised? What's next, Rudolph running for office?
"Actually Rudolph is already president", Chuck said as he put his hand on my shoulder. I almost jumped because I felt the same cold surge only it was twice as strong as last time.
"What was that?” I almost yelled.
"Turn around", Chuck said.
I turned around and there was the man in the red suit with a Starbucks coffee in hand and he was running full speed and he was only a few feet away. Suddenly he stopped in mid step and fell to the ground. Starbucks coffee exploded everywhere.
"Don't you just love glass elevators?” Chuck Norris said with a sigh.
"They are umm . . . wonderful", I squeaked still staring at the man on the ground still yelling his head off. Chuck turned around and started walking down the street again and I was quick to follow.
"Sometimes if things don't go the president's way, kind of like now, the president chases after us himself, so walk fast", Chuck said.
I could be sleeping in or enjoying a carnival (that doesn't involve angry hobos), just having a normal day. But am I? No! I am on the run with Chuck Norris from Rudolph on an island that no one knows even knows exists. Well I might as well have fun with it. "Hey Chuck", I said in my mind, "What is our next stop?"
Chuck smiled. "I was wondering when you would catch on, we are on our way to Charley's Chocolate Factory. I bought it from him about six months ago. Nobody knows I own it so it's about time I use it as a hideout. Isn't it a beauty?"
I looked up from the street and sure enough a huge factory with huge black iron gates loomed over the city landscape like a mountain. "Charley still lives with his family in the factory", Chuck went on, "Willy Wonka passed on last year, and it really hit Charley hard. He has developed a bit of a weight problem, if he gains any more weight he will literally have to be rolled through the factory. We really have to get him off the chocolate diet."
We walked in silence for a while until we were a couple blocks away from the gates, Chuck asked me if I had a weak stomach and I told him I didn't. Immediately he pulled what looked like a universal remote from his pocket. It was no ordinary universal remote. There were a lot of buttons just like on a regular remote except the labels under the buttons were a little off the wall. There was even a button that was labeled CHUCK NORRIS JOKE OF THE DAY. He was looking the remote up and down, after a moment he found the button he was looking for and pressed the button that was labeled TBTRTTOOTRFTSTTIOFTCF and told me I might be a bit nauseous. Nothing happened.
"What is that button for?", I asked.
"It stands for the button that randomly transports the operator of this remote from the street to the interior of the chocolate factory." He said it in one breath so fast I almost didn't understand him. In the quarter of a second it took me to process what he said everything around me became so bright it was blinding just to squint. Chuck Norris tackled me to the ground and everything went white. Then nothing, I couldn't see. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and I landed somewhere. Hard. I started seeing outlines of things. First a couch, then a chair, then a desk. Then something landed on top of me that I could easily compare to a wall of cement blocks. I saw stars, and then my vision blacked out.
When I opened my eyes I was on a couch. A couple yards in front of the couch I laid upon was a man hunched over a desk scribbling intently over a pile of paper. All I could see was his back and his crazy hairdo. His hair looked like Santa Clause had shaved his beard and made a wig out of it. One of his shoes was in the middle of the floor while its mate was still on his foot untied. He jumped up sending his chair skidding across the floor and yelled something in German which I later learned translated into, "I FINALLY FOUND THE ELUSIVE UNIFIED FIELD THEORY!!"
Chuck Norris sighed from across the room, "Good job Einstein, now can you please fix the side effects to this remote, my friend here almost became a stain in your carpet that would take the Oompa Loompas eons to get out." Einstein looked at me like he just noticed me for the first time and said in perfect English, "Well I'm not the one who tackled him and reformed in my office only to land on him again you doof! Lay off a few pounds will you.”
I wasn't sure what Chuck Norris would do, breathe fire, round house kick him, or beat Einstein with the remote itself. "I can touch MC Hammer and I can send you back to your grave, I know the button for that.” Chuck Norris said in a dangerously calm voice. Einstein grumbled something in German under his breath that I'm sure can't be a compliment to Chuck Norris or anyone for that matter.
"And besides", Chuck continued, "If I didn't touch Max the remote wouldn't teloport us both. I couldn't see so I applied a little extra force."
Just when Einstein was about pick up his chair to use as a weapon there was a deafening BOOM. The room rattled and Einstein dropped the chair and almost lost his balance. Chuck looked out the window with his NERF rocket launcher at the ready. I stood up, every move I made hurt and my stomach felt cramped and twisted. With effort I joined Chuck at the window. A couple stories below us was a deer the size of a bull with a huge baseball of a nose that I realized must be Rudolph. He was standing in the middle of a pile of rubble that used to be the gate and riding on top of his back was Benjamin Franklin. Ben held up a megaphone up to Rudolph's mouth. "HEY DOG, WE HAVE BEEN CHASING YOU AND CHASING YOU. WE COULD HAVE BEEN TIGHT, BUT YOU JUST KEPT ON RUNNING. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SLEEP VERY SOUNDLY IN GLASS PRISON." Of course, Rudolph talks like Randy Jackson.
"Don't let it fool you", Chuck warned, reading my thoughts. "He is not a fair judge at all."
Just then Benjamin Franklin held up something that looked like a water gun on steroids, but I had a feeling it didn't shoot water. On the side of the gun was the CRAYOLA logo. They took everything imaginable to a new level. We all ran to the far side of the room and ran out the door. We stepped into a long corridor and stopped dead in our tracks. There at the very end of the hall was Rudolph. In the distance Benjamin was yelling, "WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!"
Automatically we ran down the hall in the opposite direction. I heard a deafening screaming; that I think might have been me. Chuck Norris turned in slow motion and fired his Nerf rocket launcher. My ears rang then I tripped and fell. I kept falling.
I looked up and saw a bright hole that was getting smaller by the second. I could barely hear Chuck Norris's voice as he yelled, "I got him right in his nose!" As I was falling I saw random holes all around me that I figured must have been tunnels. There were objects strewn everywhere. A melted ice cream cone here, a coffee table there. I ran head first into a little girl and I realized she was falling up. "Sorry Alice!” I yelled as I fell deeper and deeper down the hole. Then I crashed for the third time.
I woke up on a beach. I had a face full of sand and every muscle in my body was screaming at me. On top of all that I was being poked. It took all the strength I had to sit up. About five yards away was a sign that read HOBO BEACH. A small group of about four or five hobos was looking at me curiously with sticks in their hand, but that is the beginning of another story.
THE END
